Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
