He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
