We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I have fence marks all over my body
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
