I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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