My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
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