I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
