True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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