____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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