my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And my parents said I crawled through the house
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
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