he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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