If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
