Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
