he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
