I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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