At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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