Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
