I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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