Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
