my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
