Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
