I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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