I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
