wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..