Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.