4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
