Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
