Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
