I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
