who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
