community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
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you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
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I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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