I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
