So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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