just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
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