Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
