I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
