hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You're like the curious george of whores
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
