I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
