That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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