bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
