Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
