he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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