need another drink. this is the easiest way
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
