found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
