I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
