youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
