Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
