I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
