i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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