ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
