Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
