when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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