Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Randomize
