Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
