You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
