I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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